My Gateway Books - Part One

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Life -  

 

 Yesterday, my sister in law asked me for some suggestions for books. This is an awesome thing, because I've never thought of her as a reader. However, when asked what kind of book, she was unclear. That makes it hard, because there are so many different genres and so many great books in each and all very different.

On the plus side, she's also kind of a blank slate. I know she's read books and recently read all six of the books my wife and I have released, which are three radically divergent genres, so that made up my mind for me:

I would write my definitive list of Gateway Books. This is my list of the first book I would want a neophyte to read in each of the genres I love. (Or the first few... I'm not good at being completely definitive...)

 In most cases, these might not be the best book of it's kind in the genre, or completely representative of it. But I think they're books that, when read, would give the reader a good idea of what the genre is about and whether they want to move on to more like it. I also chose ones that were relatively easy reads to the modern reader. As much as I adore Ray Bradbury, HP Lovecraft, Poe and the like, a modern reader has a hard time truly enjoying the reading process with books like that.

• Middle Grade Fantasy
• Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone by J.K. Rowling.
•  Easy to read, incorporating elements of mythology and fantasy, this will work.
• Additional reading: The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents - Terry Pratchett

• Middle Grade Adventure
• Skulduggery Pleasant by Derek Landy
• Clever little noir fantasy adventure, this book incorporates detective, fantasy, humor and action and it a hell of a lot of fun to read. (Technically quite a fantasy novel, but I felt it was more of an adventure.)

• Middle Grade Mystery/Horror
• The House With A Clock In Its Walls by John Bellairs
• My favorite Gothic horror novel growing up, this book is a spooky little tale of a young boy trying to defeat a house ticking its way to doomsday. 

• Non Fiction
• In A Sunburned Country by Bill Bryson
• This is a tricky category for me. I love reading non-fiction but it took a really long time to get into it and I have a hard time finding ones I like. This humorous travel book by the hilarious Bill Bryson is a fantastic read and will make you want to travel. And read more.

• Light Fantasy
• The Misenchanted Sword by Lawrence Watt-Evans
• This was the first "Adult" book I read as a child and I fell in love. Watt-Evans is still one of my top two favorite authors and this novel, about a simple soldier and his magic sword is the perfect intro to the genre. Different worlds, strange spells and ideas, but easy to read and very light-hearted.
• Further Reading - Anything by Terry Pratchett. I wouldn't recommend starting with the first book however. The humor is a little rougher, and more British. Harder to get into right away. Maybe start with Guards, Guards!

• Epic Fantasy
• Touched By The Gods by Lawrence Watt-Evans
• I know, repeat author, but Epic Fantasy, stuff like Lord Of The Rings, A Song Of Ice And Fire (The Game Of Thrones) The Wheel Of Time Series, can be VERY hard to get into. They're Epic, after all. This single novel by Watt-Evans has a lot of the elements in one great novel.
• Further Reading - The Runelords Books by David Farland are a good place to start with a larger series. 

• Light Science Fiction
• The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy by Douglas Adams
• Non-stop hilarious and full of the bizarre worlds that Sci-Fi is made of, I think this should be one of the first ten books every person alive reads.
• Further Reading - Possibly The Hunger Games series. It's quite readable. Might even be a better choice for a first foray into Science Fiction. Dystopian worlds, high tech, pining for boys....

• Hard Science Fiction
• Diamond Age by Neal Stephenson
• Honestly, I wouldn't recommend starting with Hard Sci-Fi until you have a lot of other sci fi and fantasy under your belt. A lot of it can be indecipherable at first glance or maddening even. But if you try this and like it, there's a LOT of great stuff out there.

• Horror - Supernatural
• The Strain by Guillermo Del Toro and Chuck Hogan
• An odd choice, perhaps but The Strain features a great adventure and a hardcore take on vampires that's very accessible to newbies. 
• After that, some Stephen King maybe or if his slow burn supernatural stuff is a little hard, hit up Jonathan Maberry for one of his action-y zombie novels.

• Horror - Non-Supernatural
• Trapped by Jack Kilborn
• My 13 year old nephew introduced this to me. It's gory and crazy and very over the top. Not for the faint of hearted but features everything this kind of book needs. A horror where people are the horrors.
• Further Reading - Psycho by Robert Bloch. The original.

 

Next time: Mystery and other fiction wonders!

The ROUS FAMILY -   

  

 

 

 

 

Going Home Again - Part Two

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Life -  

 Man, it was odd driving back into Pocatello after two years. Poky is one of those quintessentially Western places that was started back in the wild days, boomed with the railroad, stayed expanding for a while, saw a few hiccups of growth with a college and few other amenities and started a gradually declining retirement in the recent past. Regardless of how long we've been gone, the town looks essentially the same. Maybe a few new stores in old buildings or a few less stores in others, but nothing too dramatic. Linz and I were both born and raised there and driving into the valley it was a little bittersweet.

The first day we were pretty exhausted, all we really did was say goodbye to my aunt and mom and lug our suitcases into the basement of my in-laws; Rich and Sue. We would be taking control of their basement for the duration.

The next day, we were up bright and early to pick up my brother from his job and go get doughnuts for breakfast. We went to a newer place called "The Doughnut  - Home of the original spudnut" It's run by a talented cook that used to run a restaurant in a different part of town that featured African foods, oddly. (He's also the owner of the house two down from the one we own and lived in in Poky and had no recognition of us when he saw us)

Great doughnuts though. Fluffy but filling without too much thick glazing and sweetness like they have out here in the East. We chatted with the family for a bit, played with my mom's new pup, a rescued 5 year old Puggle (Pug Beagle) named Morrie then turned our attention to the big task of the day - the locked shed out back. The one with all of our clothes, toys, books, decor, kitchen stuff and assorted detritus from 5 years of living in the house before we rented it to my mom and brother.

We feared the worst when we cracked the doors. Rain leaking, snow damage, sun warping, mice, cats, chupacabras. Happily, apart from some very slight water damage on the tops of two boxes below some apparently very slight drips, everything was  in the same condition from when we left it two and a half years ago. One of the benefits of living in a nice, dry, airy climate, I suppose.

But it didn't mean our work was done. We still had to open every box and make some hard choices. Though we have a long term plan, not more than a small portion of the stuff was coming back with us to Maine and some of it should never have been packed in the first place. (We packed in a bit of a hurry initially and were unsure how long some of it would be packed for.)

Going through everything we'd left behind and had been missing for that long was a lot harder than we'd thought. Some was easy - Box of old spices? Trash! Pants too big for me now that I'd kept for when I was skinny enough when I left? Trash!

Some was very hard, mostly because I desperately miss my books and art supplies. I miss our library and room of DVDs. To say nothing of the three totes of assorted Legos. I ended up breaking down and packing my beloved and much missed sculpting tools that I hadn't been able to adequately replace out here and a few choice items like a Lego set and a few of my good knives.

A lot went into the Yard Sale Pile too, especially a good sized chunk of paperback books - fantasy by authors I used to like and hadn't read for three years before we moved (Piers Anthony) and fiction that I'd since bought in hardback. I also took a few photos of authors that I plan to download digital copies out here because I miss their novels.

At the same time we were rummaging around in the shed, my mom was doing the same to shed #2, which was primarily stocked with items planned for a yard sale last time  we were sorting and packing. It was a long day, but successful. Filled a dumpster, got a huge stack of stuff to sell and a large pile of stuff to continue missing.

The ROUS FAMILY -   

 

 

 

 

2011 Reading Update - 1st Quarter

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know that I like to read a lot. Though I dropped the ball on the last quarter in 2010, I usually post an update every three months of what books I read that quarter. (Actually, looking back, I haven't posted an update since the second quarter of 2010.. my bad!)

Anyway, here's The List. Comments after!

COOL CACHE by Patricia Smiley 292pgs, 2/5

THE SENTRY by Robert Crais 320pgs, 4/5

JACK DANIELS STORIES by J.A. Konrath 316pgs, 4/5

THE LIES THAT BIND by Kate Carlisle 275pgs, 2/5

AT HOME by Bill Bryson 512pgs, 5/5

THE MISENCHANTED SWORD by Lawrence Watt-Evans 292pgs, 5/5

TO THE DEVIL, MY REGARDS by Gischler and Smith 80pgs, 5/5

THE CASTLE IN THE ATTIC by Elizabeth Winthrop 179pgs, 4/5

RUN by Blake Crouch 213pgs, 5/5

CHOKE ON YOUR LIES by Anthony Neil Smith 270pgs, 4/5

THE UNWILLING WARLORD by Lawrence Watt-Evans 248pgs, 4/5

SWIMSUIT by James Patterson & Maxine Paetro 400pgs, 4/5

BLOODTHIRSTY by Marshall Karp 377pgs, 5/5

A BAD SPELL IN YURT by C. Dale Brittain 314pgs, 4/5

THE GIRL WHO KICKED THE HORNET'S NEST by Stieg Larsson 576pgs, 1/5

WORTH DYING FOR by Lee Child 400pgs, 4/5

NINE DRAGONS by Michael Connelly 480pgs, 2/5

GIDEON'S SWORD by Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child 352pgs, 3/5

THE BLOOD OF A DRAGON by Lawrence Watt-Evans 236pgs, 4/5

SHAKEN by J.A. Konrath 304pgs, 4/5

WITH A SINGLE SPELL by Lawrence Watt-Evans 288pgs, 5/5

THE MONSTER OF FLORENCE by Douglas Preston & Mario Spezi  322pgs, 4/5

TAKING FLIGHT by Lawrence Watt-Evans 220pgs 5/5

SPELL OF THE BLACK DAGGER by Lawrence Watt-Evans 294pgs 4/5

So let's see... That's 24 books, clocking in at approximately 7,560 pages (That's an approximation because many of the books were in eBook format without an accurate page count, in which case I typically went with the paperback number)


That come to about 84 pages a day or a book every 3.75 days in the first quarter of 2010. Not my biggest quarter, in fact it's one of the smallest, but I was surprised I cracked twenty as busy as we've been and with the winter funk we got into.



Some good stuff here this time, mostly re-reads, surprisingly. I have a lot of new books in my to-read list, but eight of them I'd read before. Granted, most were from Lawrence Watt-Evans, as I'm in the middle of an Ethshar marathon right now and I have to read a Marshall Karp novel every quarter to keep my funny detective bone intact.


My favorite new read? At Home, without a doubt. Probably the only book in the bunch that I'll read over and over for enjoyment, though I did get a huge kick out of the new offerings from Conrad, Gischler, Smith and Crouch.


Least favorite? The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest, without question. Overblown, boring and way overrated.

I have no idea what the next quarter will bring... I've already fallen in love with Nation by Terry Pratchett and I'm desperately hoping I can get my hands on Kill Me If You Can, the new novel from the Always Spectacular Marshall Karp and author extraordinaire James Patterson!  I can't wait to see how two authors that I really dig work together.


You can read reviews for most all of these over on Reviews Of Unusual Size by clicking them in the list! (Some are forthcoming, I'm a little behind on my reviews...)

The Horror! A Halloween Mega Review Post!

Reviews Of Unusual Size


Movies

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS
Directed by Adam Gierasch
2009, 93 mins, Rated R
 

Re: A group of rowdy college-ish aged kids throw a party at an old Loisiana mansion. When the cops roust 'em, a select seven, mostly played by people in their late thirties of questionable acting ability, manage to get locked in. They play spin the bottle, get it on and get possessed. Crappy monster effects and gore ensues.

Outstanding:I really liked Monica Keena in some other stuff. The intro, filmed poorly in a 1920's style was at least a good idea...

Unacceptable: Everything. I don't even know where to begin with how bad everything was in this flick. 

Summary: Bad in a way that only a movie made in the aughts, featuring hard rock, computer generated gore and c-list actors can be. Barely worth finishing. And I'm not even sure why I say that.

1/5     

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET

Directed by Samuel Bayer
2010, 95 mins, Rated R

 

Re: A remake/reimagining/encapsulation/renovation/modern take on the original. If you don't know the plot, well... I'll probably post a non-Halloween post on Thursday.

Outstanding:I really like Jackie Earl Haley, and I think a few things they did with the story were unique.

Unacceptable: Everyone else was generic and forgettable. There were a few scenes that  has abysmal special effects. Pretty sad for a film with $35mil to play with.

Summary: Granted, I've never really like Freddy. His style of dream antics and goofy deaths has always seemed silly to me. Silly but enjoyable. This movie managed to remove both of those things. Hmm.

1/5   



 

 LEGION

Directed by Scott Charles Stuart
2010, 100 mins, Rated R

 

Re: God has gotten tired of us, so he decides to unleash heaven on us. Kill 'em all and let himself sort it out, I guess. But for some reason, he gave us one last chance, in the form of a pregnant girl, working in a roadside truck stop. Oh, and Paul Bettany is an angel that wants to help out. He has lots of guns.

Outstanding:This movie knows it's goofy and dumb, but it also knows how to have fun with that. There are a few well done scenes and Doug Jones as an angel-possessed Ice cream man. That's pretty cool.

Unacceptable: Y'know, maybe it was my mood when I watched this, but despite its shortcomings, there wasn't really anything I hated.

Summary: It's not gonna win any awards, but if you're looking for a flick where grannies walk on ceilings and angels pack glocks, check it out. It's kinda amusingly diverting.

2/5   

RESIDENT EVIL - AFTERMATH

Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson
2010, 97 mins, Rated R

 

Re: BANGBANGBANG. Weird four mouthed zombie things! Convenient reunions! BANGBANG! Big goofy zombie thing! BANGBANGbangBANGduckBANG! mumble, swim, BANG! Matrix guy. BANGGITYBANGBANG! Goofy non-ending!

Outstanding: Is that Tig, from Sons Of Anarchy?

Unacceptable: Is that Milla, staying clothed for the entire movie, despite a perfectly good, badly written, shower scene?

Summary: BANGBANGBADBANGBANG!

1/5  



Books

THE STRAIN
by Guillermo Del Toro & Chuck Hogan
2009, 608 pages, ebook
 

Re: Del Toro and Hogan spin a new take on vampires, one that's both modern - steeped in the paranoia of today and classic - inspired by legends from the past. In their world, vampires are a virus, infecting us. Turning us into pale, sexless, evil drones with stingers and white, worm infested bodies. 

Outstanding:I still love this take on the vampire legend. The characters are well-rounded and excellent. You really feel for them, you want to know what happens to them. And the vamps are everything a vampire should be, violent, evil, nasty and infectiously awesome.

Unacceptable: Despite how much I love this book, it suffered a little bit the second time around. A few sub-plots seemed less important and a little long, but overall still a very enjoyable read.

Summary: When I first reviewed this book, back in 2009, I gave the book 5/5 and said it was probably one of the best of the year. I wouldn't go that far this time, though it's still easily a 5/5 book. I just didn't find myself devouring it as eagerly as I had before.

5/5     

THE FALL
By Guillermo Del Toro & Chuck Hogan 
2010, 320 pages, ebook
 

Re: The sequel to THE STRAIN and book two in a planned trilogy. Setrakian, Goodweather and crew continue their valiant battle against the vampires and the nation of misinformation that claims the plague of neck suckers is merely a plague of a conventional sort. And the Master ramps up his plans to subjugate the world.

Outstanding:Del Toro and Hogan really know how to write a story. Everyone stays intriguing and fun to read and the action is cranked to eleven within the first few pages. I really like the track they took with the Ancients, a breed of old school vamps, the originators of the virus. Luchadore!

Unacceptable: There's a lot of stuff going on here, and some of it is far more impressive than others. There's a couple of sub plots that may pay off in the long run, but seem like they're unnecessary here. There's also a spot in the book where I would have sworn a man's arm is broken, yet he uses it with no difficulty a chapter or so later.

Summary: Not as strong as the first novel, but still a well written one. I'm pretty excited to see what happens in the final book... In a year or so.

4/5     

BAD MOON RISING
by Jonathan Maberry
2008, 480 pages, ebook
 

Re: It all ends here. Maberry's excellent Pine Deep Trilogy concludes with an all-out explosion of chaos as the evil massing in the cellars and fields of the tiny town take to the streets of the Pine Deep Halloween festival. With plans to feast.

Outstanding:I love Maberry's writing. He infuses things with an easy sense of humor and his dialogue is as natural as listening to a couple of buddies talk. He also knows whats scary and nasty and revels in dosing it out.

Unacceptable: The pop culture references wore a little thin for me, with entire chapters dedicated to the efforts of the real-life  horror dignitaries at the festival. It was fun for a while, but I think it went just a wee bit over the top. 

Summary: Overall a very excellent book. High on drama and action. It's not easy writing a trilogy like this, I would imagine. His mythology is deep and twisty and he balances dozens of fairly important characters without us ever once getting confused or lost, only hungry for the next pages. I loved my visit to Pine Deep. You should plan a trip, but book ahead if you plan on visiting around Halloween. Things get pretty busy that time of year.

5/5     

THE RISING
by Brian Keene
2004, 336 pages, ebook
 

Re: Zombies rule the earth. For every man, woman, child or animal that dies, they come back. Walking, eating and yes... the bane of zombie novels for me, talking. In Keene's universe, when something dies, something else takes over that body. A Sumatran spouting demon that remembers what the previous inhabitant knew and wants nothing more than to continue porting their brothers over. Oh yeah, and a guy tries to travel cross country to save his kid that is supposedly still alive in an attic.

Outstanding:As much as I despise talking zombies, I was entertained by these guys. They're possessed, drive around like something out of Mad Max and know how to use your loved one's feelings against you. Kind of original.

Unacceptable: Man, the living in this book bored me to death. Every one was a stereotype of the highest order, and while that's almost a requirement in a zombie book, these guys were all really bad. There was the selfless Priest, the hardcore ex-hooker, the stalwart and determined single father, the scientist carrying a load of guilt for starting the whole thing and the military asshole. 

Summary: Despite my annoyances with the main characters, I had a good time reading THE RISING. It's a traditional zombie road trip book with some unexpected twists along the way.

3/5

     
 

Weighty Matters - 
My Current Weight -  296
Progress Thus Far -  A couple pounds. But on the plus side, we finally got some healthy snacks for me to take to work, so that should help.  

Intermission

Now Playing -   
Supernaturally by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds

Life - 

We now take a break from our regularly scheduled recap of my vacation to catch up on some book reviews. (Primarily because I just realized that it was time for my quarterly review of reading and I'm VERY behind on my reviews.)

 

Reviews Of Unusual Size
Books

THE BIG SLEEP
by Raymond Chandler
1939, 139 pages, e-book
 

Re: The first Phillip Marlowe novel, published in 1939. Marlowe works a blackmail case for a millionaire that soon involves the millionaire's nutjob daughters, murder and more awesome dialogue than you can imagine.

Outstanding: Everything. I mean it. I love everything about this book, but if I have to tie down one particular thing, it'd have to be the dialogue. I wish everyone spoke like this.

Unacceptable: The daughter's antics got a bit old after a bit.

Summary: I've read this book a few times over the years and it never ceases to thrill. It's one of those books that I read when I'm feeling down, or that maybe I don't want to be a writer, or when I have a fedora, a cigarette, some whiskey and no case to occupy my time.

5/5    

 

 

 

THE GIRL WHO PLAYED WITH FIRE 

by Stieg Larsson
2010, 630 pages, e-book

Re: Lisbeth Salander is on the run and still a bit crazy. Blomkvist and crew do what they can to prove her innocence - such as it is - and unravel the twists and turns that result.

Outstanding:That outline doesn't really give proper credence to the plot here, which is pleasantly twisted and pretty fun.

Unacceptable: Once again, I thought Salandar's character was all over the place, bouncing between manic and crazy and extremely professional, but not in a way that suggests it was intentional so much as in a way that suggests the author couldn't decide which way to go.

Summary: I still think these books are overrated, but the plot was better this time around, with tighter pacing and a gloriously over the top climax.

3/5

 

 

156 Years Of Something

Now Playing -
Ka Huila Wai
by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

Life - 

Moo.

 

Yesterday, Lindsay and I attended the  156th annual Topsham Fair. Growing up, going to the fair was always a kind of bittersweet event for me. It was fun, I loved the carnival rides and the exotic foods and the animals, but it also meant that summer was almost over. That another break had passed with a few camping trips as the highlight of my adventures. Not that I hated the summers I had growing up, they were very memorable and frankly, the stuff 1950's sitcoms were made of, but I'd always secretly hoped that this summer would be the one when mom wouldn't have to work and we could go on a real vacation, to England, or Alaska, somewhere more exotic than Salt Lake City, Utah.

That never panned out, but really, the fair we went to kind of made up for it. It was, and continues to be, The Eastern Idaho State Fair, and folks in Idaho know how to do up a fair properly, with dozens of proper carnival rides, carnies hawking balloon games and ball tosses, all built up at the end like a glittering, loud party. Just past that, was a collection of buildings, filled with exhibitions of photography, ancient bottle collections, quilts, artwork and more. Most of these bored me to tears as a kid, but when I reached adulthood, I found myself enjoying them more and more. Then it was the food booths. Everything you could think of - Mexican, BBQ, Chinese, Japanese, Southwest, Tex-Mex, Irish, Thai, Fried, Sauteed, Grilled, Slow Roasted... I tasted food at the fair that I'd never seen before or since. Then the animals and farm exhibits. Hundreds of livestock and booths extolling the very newest in farm tools and machines. And every night, there were events in the huge stadium/racetrack. Depending on the night,m you could find yourself watching monster trucks and real bands. For instance, this year they have Foreigner for their rock band and Kenny Rogers on the country night. We never really attended the events, but it was kind of cool. It was one of the rare times that legit names showed in an area like Eastern Idaho.

The main strip. Note how each booth sells one type of food.

So it was with a mix of goofy excitement and interest that we decided to go to the Topsham Fair yesterday. Now, don't get me wrong, I know normal fairs aren't as extensive as the State Fair was in Idaho, even the Pocatello Fair was unimpressive out there, but I was excited to see what a fair out here was like, and they do advertise it a lot, There's been a banner up about the 2010 Fair since we arrived in Topsham. If nothing else, we figured, it would be an entertaining evening of people watching, well worth our $7 per person admission.

Shabby, shabby, shabby.

Well, it was probably worth our $14 in giggles, but I was shocked at how, like many other things out here, there's so much room for improvement, but no one seems to care. Like, once you've been around for 156 years, you don't really need to try anymore. Sure, they had all of the requisite exhibits. They had a few carnival rides, a few booths with impossible games, food wagons and a perfunctory attempt to display some livestock and tractors, but it was all so half-hearted feeling. Yet people were there in droves. It was around 4pm on a Thursday evening when we attended, and though the crowds weren't overwhelming, there was a good group of people in every little corner of the place.

These sausages were nowhere near as hot and delicious as they looked.

For one thing, the fair was really poorly laid out. Most fairs you attend, everything is laid out in a pretty uniform fashion. The rides are in one section, the livestock in another and so forth. Here, food wagons jockeyed for position with ferris wheels and you could get heckled by the clown in the ball toss while trying to eat your fried dough. At first glance, there seemed to be a lot of food choices, too, but the more wandered around, the more we realized that for the most part, each wagon served one specific food, like one wagon for sausages, one for fish and chips and one for fried dough. Each one sold a few beverages and maybe some cotton candy on the side, but to get a meal, you had to make multiple trips and stand in five or six lines. And apart from the different wagons, there wasn't actually any variety. There were five separate wagons that sold nothing but fried dough. And not with any changes, either.

To be fair, the White Pants were more bloomers than pants. WHITE PANTS! WHOO!

Their exhibits were horrible too. Usually, the places the awards are displayed are dedicated buildings, the Photos in one room, etc... Here, all of them were crammed together in one building that also housed a model railroad and a food counter. So the artwork was hung crookedly next to 4x6 photos in dollar frames above rotting blue ribbon vegetables.

That's right, in the year of my birth, Dinosaurs were the featured article, with Aluminum being only slightly less important.

I realize that someone reading this post would assume that we hated all of this. I didn't. I get a kick out of ludicrous stuff like this. How the "Museum" housed a few artifacts, a couple of banners from previous fairs, a selection of National Geographics with a sign that said "Find your birth year and month - $3.00" and a bunch of kids in the corner playing Rock Band on the Playstation. Heck, if I hadn't already paid an entry fee, I would have paid to see the guy that looked like Kyle Gass from Tenacious D holding a Boa. It just bothers me when a few simple changes would have made the experience many times better but it seems like it isn't done out of laziness or complacency.

I genuinely cannot fathom what could bump a paper plate with 5 AC/DC cards on it down to second place.

So we spent about an hour and a half wandering in a circle. In fact, we made several laps of the fair, trying to find the wagon serving fried dough that didn't have them pre-cooked and sitting under heat lamps. We got heckled by carnies and bought a sausage that looked much better than it tasted. We watched a blacksmith in a college basketball t-shirt and Lindsay petted a cow, but after a while, we realized that unless we wanted to pay $8 to ride the ferris wheel, or throw our money away on stupid games of chance for stuffed toys we didn't need or want, it was time to go home. Although I did just realize how fun it would be to give a 3' tall care bear to the boys to destroy.

Reviews Of Unusual Size

  THE DEPUTY
by Victor Gischler
2010, 250 pages, paperback

1 -Don't get me wrong, I've dug Gischler's last couple of books, humorous fantasy/sci-fi novels about vampires and the apocalypse, but when I heard he was releasing a new crime novel about a slacker, part time deputy that gets into the middle of something far over his skills set, I was very excited.

2 - And with good reason. Gischler writes conscience free bad guys and real people in rough situations better than anyone around. In fact, I think it's a safe bet that Victor Gischler is the best crime novelist  alive today.

3 - His characters are dirty and stupid and mean, and generally perfectly human. There's no supernatural feats of daring or Batman-like fighting skills. Life is unfair in a Gischler novel, and I love it.

4 - The only thing that should stop you from rushing out and buying this today is that you can't read. Even if you can't, this is a real book, out of real paper, and I imagine it would balance out that TV you have stacked on top of your other TV quite nicely.

5 - Let's face it, even if I didn't already love Gischler, I would have bought this book based solely off of the blurb on the cover - From the author of GO-GO GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE. Though I am a bit perplexed by the one from Publisher's weekly, which is worded like this on the cover - "[S]olid noir from Gischler" Does that mean that Publisher's Weekly left off the S in Solid? How odd.

10/10

TRAPPED
by Jack Kilborn

2009, 245 pages, ebook

1 - This is the second novel by Jack Kilborn, the pseudonym used by author J.A. Konrath, author of the Jack Daniels series and this blog, which is a huge reason that I've come around to the idea of digital books. This review is also of only the first half of the file, the Revised novel, Trapped. I will review the second half at a later date.

2 -Essentially, a tale of survival, horror and cannibals, Trapped was deemed too graphic and hardcore for his publisher, so Kilborn did what he does best, released it in digital form himself for a good price, and sold the crap out of it.

3 - I was turned to Kilborn by my 12 year old nephew. I later realized that it was a pen name of an author I already loved, but when you have a kid ask you to read the only book he's ever finished, you check it out. And then you realize that the novel is totally inappropriate for a twelve year old.

4 - Trapped is a video nasty in book form, with graphic violence, mutants, genetically engineered killers, bad street slang, kids in jeopardy and bad government. It's one of those things that you have to be in the mood for, but man, is it perfect for when you are. If you aren't, you feel dirty afterwards, so be warned. It's a good book, but not for everyone. Especially if you don't relish the description of an eyeball bursting after a careful application of heat over a barbecue. While the person is still alive.

5 - Why do I love Konrath so much? Because Joe understands that digital books are the future, whether I like it or not. Besides having the brilliant idea for publishers to include a free download of the digital book with hardback purchases, an Idea that should be happening NOW, Joe realizes that digital books are like the DVD to VHS, and includes all sorts of extras in the file. Trapped not only includes the updated, revised version of the story, but at the end, there's a few decent length previews for other books and his original version of the book. The one that his publishers  made him go back and tame down. That's right, lurking at the back of the file is a second, full length novel even crazier than the one before. I assume. I'm saving that version for a later date. Maybe date is a bad word choice. Because that would be a horribly messed up date.

6/10

Writing - 

This afternoon, I should break  70,000 words on Graves! This is a big deal for me, I've never written a novel this long before, The Whispering Ferns was a children's novel and topped out at 49,000, and this is especially exciting because I have plans for this book. I'm going to actually start working on a query letter for an adult novel, query agents and a few select houses and then, if all else fails, I think this story has the potential to be successful as an e-book, so if I can't find an agent, I plan to make an attempt at publishing it myself.

The Last Sentence - 
"But you do have to say one thing about him. That zombie had awesome comedic timing."

From - "Graves" (WIP)

The Gloom, I Has It

Now Playing -
Where Do We Go Now But Nowhere
by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
 

Life - 

Ahh, days off, why do you have to end? For the last few weeks, we've been fortunate enough for our days off to fall on the same two days. It's been really nice. We've built a porch, made some fun little trips, worked in the house a bit. In the next few, that'll change a little, my boss is going out of town, so my schedule will be all over the place. That's why we decided to hit Portland and the beach this "weekend" (Which is Thursday and Friday for us) We had some shopping to do and we wanted to find a few items to decorate our porch with.

On that front, we weren't especially successful. The mall was a bust, Michael's Crafts and The Christmas Tree Shops had a few things, but nothing in our price range. Though the Christmas Tree Shop DID have Stubbs Barbecue Sauce, which is my favorite and impossible to find out here. (I bought a barbecue recipe book too for $4) Eventually, we decided to give up on the decoration quest, and headed down the road to Old Orchard Beach. I was intrigued to visit it again, as last time we went it was pre-season and very rainy and cold. I thought it might be fun to see it in full swing.

Along the way, we stopped at the skeeviest flea market ever. Every single tent was filled with items that looked like they'd fallen off a truck in 1992 and had been sitting in these tents on sagging card tables ever since. Stuff like Micro Machine coloring books and impractically designed knives. VHS tapes and badly faded "Harley Davidson Parking Only" signs. We wandered into the bazaar until we started to fear ever making it back to the car safely and then fled.

 Naturally, because I wanted to see OOB in full swing, it was gloomy and windy when we arrived. Which just made the air humid and muggy, somehow. But there were still quite a few people sacked out in the sand and wandering the boardwalk.

 I was surprised, though I shouldn't have been, at the variety of tourists. It's clear that the beach gets about half of the business from the South, New Hampshire and New York, even as far down as Florida, and the other half travels down from Canada - there were a lot of signs in French as well as English. I guess it's a good middle ground for them , though, to be frank, I liked it far less than Oregon and would likely not drive hours to get here.

The boardwalk and shops were mildly diverting however, though most of them sold things we weren't interested in. Clothing, henna tattoos and the like. We wandered around the carnival for a bit and had some crappy fries, then some excellent fries, and split a piece of decent pizza.

 There were a lot of people out, though most of my pictures seem to make the streets look kind of empty, and we had to shuffle through crowds of largely heavyset and sweating people, most of them holding french fries, ice cream, slabs of pizza or circles of dough.

Which was probably my favorite part of the day, the treat they call "Fried Dough" it was hot and decadent, swimming in honey butter and powdered sugar, with just a hint of cinnamon. The name bothers me though, it's like no one out here understands the importance of showmanship or something. Back home, these beasts would have been called Tiger's Ears, or Honey Butter Scones, or Elephant Ears. (Apparently, people in Idaho associate slabs of dough with animal ears, for some reason...) And if I owned a shack on the beach selling these, I would immediately call them something like Sand Dollars or Dough Clams, even Beach Blankets would be a better name than Fried Dough. Boring! But tasty!

After wandering for a bit more, we headed home, stopping off at a tiny toy store and an ice cream stand on route one. Yesterday, we went out for lunch, violating my previously stated "Not leaving the house except in case of zombie apocalypse, but it was worth it for some excellent fish and chips at O'Sheas. There's also a great shop next to the restaurant called the Nest, which sells all manner of nice home decor, where we got a few ideas for the house. We also made a quick stop at the Goodwill for some pillows and the craft store for some fabric to cover the pillows with. 

Then I read an entire James Patterson book and made dinner.

 Oh yeah, and the title to my blog? A result of watching this commercial WAY too many times -

 

Reviews Of Unusual Size - 
5 Things About...

THE BEACH HOUSE
by James Patterson & Peter DeJonge
2003, 384 pages, ebook

1 - A stand alone novel about a law student who gets caught up in the death of his brother, corruption, rich jerks and more death!

2 - I didn't enjoy this novel as much as Beach Road, another collaboration between the two authors, but it was pleasantly diverting, with some interesting twists.

3 - I read this in one sitting. Patterson's way of writing his thrillers makes the books seem a lot shorter than they really are. Which is why I read them as a brief escape so often.

4 - Most of the characters seemed kind of stereotypical and more wooden than I would have expected, especially the main character's friends, but I did get a kick out of the grandfather, a outspoken Irish coot.

5 - The Beach House actually has very little to do with Beach Houses, but I bet it sells itself as a summer read very nicely!

7/10

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO
by Stieg Larsson
2009, 600 pages, ebook

1 - This book has been so heavily hyped. I've heard it called everything from "The Best Book You'll Ever Read" to, inexplicably, "The Biggest Thing Since Harry Potter!" which is odd, because the Girl With The Dragon Tattoo has very little to do with boy wizards, or young readers, for that matter. Apparently, from now on, any book that gets a bit of popularity will be compared to Harry Potter or Twilight.

2 -It does have to do with a mystery surrounding a missing girl, a rich, screwed up family, a disgraced reporter and a screwy investigator. It's like if James Patterson and VC Andrews had a love child that was raised by Michael Connelly in Sweden.

3 - Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the book - it's a plump, tangled thriller, but as usual, I think the hype both set me up for disappointment and got my hopes up to high. I kind of wish they'd stuck with the original title, Men who hate women. I think it would have kept it under the radar more and I could have enjoyed it at what it was, a mystery about a missing girl.

4 - My least favorite character was the wunderkind favorite of the critics, the investigator, Lisbeth. I think she was set up with an appealing set of quirks and she certainly had reasons for her odd detachment with the world, but I think her persistence in acting mentally challenged just made her seem goofy. She could have been standoffish and lacking in social skills and still been appealing but instead, I kept getting annoyed.

5 - The big reveal and spoiler in the middle of the book surprised me, it was the logical ending to the book, the fact that it continued with the other plot for another hundred pages or so was kind of odd. It worked fine for  the novel, but now I want to see the movie and how they let it play out there. If I had been in charge of the script, I'd find myself making the two storylines converge a lot closer together.

6/10

DEAD MAN'S SONG

by Jonathan Maberry

2007, 480 pages, ebook

1 - The second book in the Pine Deep series takes us deeper into the evil that permeates the ground of the tiny Pennsylvania town, and expands on the battle between light and dark.

2 - I got a kick out of the first Pine Deep book, Ghost Road Blues, but this installment was better. Better pacing, better twists, and Maberry is really ramping up to something big in the third installment.

3 - Which was my main complaint about the book, it reads like a second of three books. There's a good amount of catch up in the beginning and the end can barely be called that, it's more of a back cover inserted between chapters. And I can't wait to read the next one, which is already downloaded to my nook and waiting for me, thank goodness. 

4 - If Jonathan Maberry was as big as Stephen King, and I think he could be better than King in many respects, he could have released this as one volume. A massive, wicked epic.

5 - Dead Man's Road takes some conventional horror tropes and sneaks them in when you least expect it. Even when I knew something was coming, he manages to keep it entertaining and fresh.

8/10

Writing - 

I worked a while on my zombie novel the last couple of days, but it's hard to get in the head of people hiding in a drug store in Montana in the middle of October, surrounded by zombies, when you're sitting on a porch in Maine surrounded by hummingbirds and crickets in the middle of August.

The Last Sentence -

 I've got a pretty good chunk of company around the front that's noticed my buddy here.

From - "Graves" (WIP)